The fatherless

There was an unusual holiday celebrated the weekend before last in Kyiv’s theme park: Father’s Day. How often is it that you see more than 10 fathers with children in a single park? Since children traditionally enjoy limited attention from heads of households, it is always a pleasure to watch a father holding his son or daughter in his arms and explaining the basic mysteries of the world. Those who gathered for Father’s Day were no ordinary fathers, though. All of them are single fathers who are raising their children on their own, so taking kids for strolls in the park is the order of the day for them. Then why is it so difficult for ordinary fathers to venture out with their offspring? Can we say that children’s upbringing lacks a masculine touch? And if so, how does this affect our society?

Any psychologist, sociologist, educator, doctor, or even layman will tell you that a family has to be complete. No one questions this model, which has held true throughout the centuries. Meanwhile, people might not have ready answers to questions about why a family has to be complete and how roles have to be distributed within a family. As The Day learned from Iryna Holovniova, a doctoral candidate in psychology, many married women cannot easily answer the question, “Why do you need your husband?” Although they realize the significance of this element in their life, they have trouble providing convincing arguments to support their position. In any case, psychologists claim that the presence of the father is above all important to the child. Early in the child’s life parents define the child’s gender identity, for example, through such messages as “Give the book back to your sister. You’re a boy and you should let little girls have their way” or “Learn to be neat. You will grow up to be a woman.” A child must have an idea about the two different systems of behavior — masculine and feminine, and these ideas form primarily within the family. Apparently, if the mother does not wash the father’s shirts, the son will never demand this from his future wife. In any case, the child must see how a husband and a wife complement each other instead of trying to replace each other, which happens in broken families.

Broken homes aside, many modern families run the risk of depriving the child of a male role model even with the father present. To begin with, men are typically not too eager to participate in their children’s upbringing, and opinion polls confirm this belief. The Institute for Family and Youth Problems polled parents of boys and girls less than 15 years of age to determine the ratio between the attention that children receive from their mothers and fathers. It turns out that only 11 percent of fathers take their children to see the doctor, and only 10 percent stay at home to take care of their sick child. Mothers normally help the majority of children (68 percent) with their homework, whereas fathers apparently limit their participation to reviewing report cards. Mothers also predominantly take their children home from school or kindergarten, while only 24 percent of fathers wish to be burdened with this duty. Psychologists claim that fathers are buying themselves out of having to devote their time to children, limiting their familial duties to earning money. In that case, what kind of masculine upbringing is there to talk about? Can the absence of a masculine touch be a causative factor behind the immaturity of Ukrainian society on the whole?

“Masculine upbringing is most often understood as an element of the traditional patriarchal model,” says Iryna Holovniova. “However, contemporary fathers often do not meet expectations of masculinity. In such cases mothers have to take over their functions. The dividing line between feminine and masculine characteristics is becoming blurred. While remaining a kind and loving mother, the woman also turns into a breadwinner, makes all the important decisions, thus setting an example for the child.” What negative consequences can such an upbringing have? The child forms an inadequate behavioral stereotype. A large number of sons become accustomed to the woman’s dominating role, feeling as if they merely supplement her. Paradoxically, parents also suffer as a result because their need to care, protect, and take responsibility is not being fulfilled.

What are the reasons for this situation? “Society still has a moral demand for a patriarchal system in which the man is the unquestionable leader and head of the household. It is the so- called concept of female subordination to male authority,” says Yevhen Holovakha, Ph.D. (Philosophy). “Soviet society eliminated discrimination against women in many respects. Still, men never took part in a significant number of social activities. They kept the traditional male privileges. Ours is a society in which women play a dual role.”

Women have the right to work. Yet, regardless of whether they avail themselves of this right or not, they are still responsible for keeping their husbands fed and dressed in a clean shirt. Men may choose whether to work or not, but either way they have fewer responsibilities. It is quite clear, however, that men are capable of preparing food for themselves or loading clothes into the washing machine. Sons inherit the father’s “unmanly” model of behavior and eventually pass it on to their own children. “We have witnessed the formation of a nervous type of male without initiative — less modern than men in developed countries, who now compete with women for the right to raise their children,” says Holovakha. “Belittling attitudes toward women are a holdover from the patriarchal epoch, which are manifested in unequal pay for work and men’s often unjustified claims to being heads of the family. Consider another telling example. Foreigners often praise the beauty of Slavic women. Nature has nothing to do with this. Our women consider it imperative to look absolutely beautiful every day. It is a sort of marketplace for male egos in which the woman is obliged to be attractive. You get the impression that the woman exists for the man and not for herself. This breeds a deficient, egotistical, and self-conscious type of male.”

This vicious circle is created by the lack of masculine upbringing in society. The situation is even more complex in families with no father, where the mother does not take on the father’s functions. “Research has shown that children in such families may have problems with sexual orientation. An overwhelming majority of homosexuals are raised in broken families,” says Holovniova. Occasionally, a boy raised by a very feminine mother can be excessively feminine, which can complicate his relationships and chances for a successful family life.

Valentyna Bondarovska, psychologist and director of the international center Rozrada [Consolation], shared an interesting case from her practice. A teenager knew that his father could not stand the sight of dirty shoes. Since the family’s main breadwinner returned from work close to midnight (meaning that the boy was completely deprived of his father’s attention), the boy would deliberately place his dirty shoes at the entrance. Returning from work the father would stumble upon these shoes and wake the boy for a tongue-lashing. In this peculiar way the boy tried to solve the problem of the lack of communication with his father.

Luckily for this family, a psychological counselor helped resolve their relationship problems. The father repented and stopped thinking according to the stereotype: “I make money, but problems related to upbringing are the mother’s concern.” Unfortunately, it is not that easy to break down deeply rooted stereotypes. Bondarovska names a whole number of situations where the father’s presence is not simply desirable but absolutely necessary. They include setting down the principles of discipline together with the mother. Both parents have to develop a joint strategy after sharing their individual views on upbringing. The father has to participate in the choice of toys: the traditional choice of “cars for boys and dolls for girls” is no longer relevant. Both parents have to make a joint decision about the number of hours a child can spend watching TV and the channels that are safe to watch. The choice of school should be a joint decision. The father is also indispensable to determining the order of the family’s life. Quite often the father comes home after 10 p.m. and starts a noisy and boisterous game with his child to show how caring a father he is. At the very least this can lead to overexcitement and loss of sleep. An example of a more serious consequence, according to the psychologist, is an unprecedented level of aggression among five and six year olds, which she has been observing in recent years.

Of course, with time progressive European stereotypes about equal participation in the upbringing of children will take root in our society. Sociologists claim that young people have rather civilized views of this problem. Psychologists insist on the need to constantly cultivate the notion of a partner family in society. “Unfortunately, we have lost fatherhood in a sense,” says Bondarovska.